I saw a random YouTube link to a music video of Apologize by OneRepublic. It’s an amazingly well put together music video, very artistic, and very representative of the song. The song is a little dark, and I’m not a fan of the reference to suicide but ignoring that it’s a song that got me thinking.
I’m told that I’m not a man to cross and that I’m not forgiving. It’s an image that I suspect I do a very good job of portraying, one that occurs somewhat naturally, and one that I use as a defense mechanism. Using a you hurt me, I’m not going to forgive you, and you will be sorry someday attitude.
Really the truth is I don’t think I can say that I could not forgive someone (aside from ridiculous circumstances of course). There’s two people in my life that have hurt me enough to be placed on my Dark List. I’m bitter towards them only as a defense, a way to cope with the pain they caused me. It’s no secret, it’s known who they are. One has managed to get off of it, it took 3 years, but they’re off of it.
I was visiting a mutual friend and they said that the person asked about me, asked how I was, and shared a story where she broke down in tears while talking about what she did to me. Said she missed having me as a friend. My initial reaction was “Yeah right, how can she miss me, I’m a completely different person. She doesn’t know me.” as by this point I was over her, the pain had dulled. The mutual friend, being older and wiser, essentially told me I was being a stubborn jerk. Not in those words, but the message was conveyed. (It went something more like, you know she can miss the friendship that you once had, and the friend that you were to her)
It stuck with me for a couple days, and I thought it over, I’m not going to lie it gave me a little bit of satisfaction knowing that the pain I felt for all those years was not just my burden. After a couple days of thought I tracked down her e-mail address, (those really are quite easy to get) and sent her a message, told her I was fine (mostly true) and that it’s unnecessary for her to worry about something that happened so long ago.
Genuine sincerity removed her from my list. I think that’s what it takes for me, it’s easy to tell when someone’s lying if you know them well. Will we ever be friends again, probably not, we’re different people now. That’s truly the first time I can say I’ve forgiven someone. I think if I can forgive a person who broke my heart, and in a fashion like no other, I think it’s safe to say it is possible.
So if you ever happen to get on my bad side, my really bad side, be sincere, if you’re not do not bother to apologize, it’ll only dig yourself further.
This is interesting, I’m not happy that I can be so bitter, but I am glad that I have it in me to forgive. I guess it stems from the fact that I am very sensitive, I care about people, even if I don’t show it, and when someone I care about hurts me, it’s a very long lasting hurt.
Anyway, it’s amazing how a simple song can bring up all of these thoughts. So check it out on Amazon’s new Download Service. Despite my admiration of Apple I’m going to support them over iTunes due to the lack of DRM. I know it’s the media industry’s attack on Apple, but higher quality and DRM free is certainly a step in the right direction for everyone.